Changes.

It has been a month since my last post... things are changing every minute. Eddison is about to turn TWO, Leeland is 4 months old and attempting to crawl... I can't seem to grasp how quickly my world is turning.

Every day we come upon new first, it is either Eddi or Lee with a new word, new move, new accomplishment. They both are so amazing, strong, and independent. I look at the picture of them and I am completely overwhelmed with love and thankfulness. How was I blessed with these two? I mean seriously.. look at 'em.

Those are two from our family photos - yes, we finally got some taken. They turned out great! During the photo shoot we had some drama. Eddison did NOT want to hold or be near her baby brother. She was done with being a sister at the moment. I laughed because what else can you do?! Eventually she chilled out and allowed our photographer to take some good shots of her. It just took a lot of work from her husband to get Eddison to smile. (He was awesome)

As for my little world, well Tim has actually been home for longer than 2 weeks. I have decided to put Eddison in a Childrens Day Out program (she starts Thurs). I am so overly unprepared to have her not by me. I know she will love it and it will give me time with Leeland, but man she is my day. She keeps me moving. So we shall see what takes place on Thurs and Friday.

I am sure by this time next month, Eddison will be 100% potty-trained, saying the full alphabet (she says most of it), and running around like the spit fire she is. Leeland will probably be crawling all over the place, eating like the champ he is, and saying more words than MAMA. Yep, he says my name. Tim got Eddison to say his name first, Leeland chose me.

Anywho, it is late... both kids are magically down at the same time and I would like to enjoy a moment with my husband before they wake up screaming ;) Good night readers. Love and prayers to you all.

Flying with Littles

Don't. That is the advice I give you. Not really. Flying out was the BEST experience anyone could possibly have with a 2 month old and a 22 month old child. The flight back home was the complete opposite.

 Now, to be honest the bad flight was due to timing... Eddison did not take a nap (other than the car ride there), she wouldn't eat, I didn't have time to buy her milk, and Leeland's ears kept popping making him SCREAM. So, of course what else could you expect from that?

Thankfully a sweet woman MADE me take her help and she carried a bag and my carry-on to meet my mom and dad. She attempted to take Eddison but as we know... Eddi has a stranger danger personality that allows anyone to hold her besides her momma.

I digress. The trip was amazing... I love my sil and bil so very much. They were amazing. Also, I am eating healthier because of them. All organic foods, veggies all the time... I came home cooked breakfast of eggs and ham, then for lunch today I had bell peppers. Totally NOT me. It is yummy though. We walked everyday while we were there and I want to continue that here. It would make me happier... Now, to just do it. Walking in MD was great because the roads were full of trees, and amazing scenery. While here we get houses and pavement. I will find the beauty in those things just to get out!

Now that we are back home I can't help but feel that tug of same-o same-o. I need to find a mothers day out or a gym with daycare so I can get at least an hour of alone time to regroup. (If you are shaking your head thinking what an awful mother - go away. We all have the need to get a break and we are okay to admit it.) I love my children but with no break sometimes I get a little exhausted of the monotony of it all.

Anyway, Leeland will be 3 months old Monday - he rolled over, he "sits-up", he is always talking and smiling. He is truly my sunshine. Eddison is a go getter and is saying full sentences right now. It catches me off guard at times. I feel like I am missing out on both of them growing because I am so busy with one or the other and don't really focus on them. Like, I focus on what I am doing, and getting it done, but I am not really focused. Make sense? So my goal is to set aside at least 30 minutes of alone time with each child every day. It makes me happy knowing I will get this time to enjoy the little things. While also finding an hour for myself!

Overall this month has been amazing. I would not trade a moment for anything. Well... if Tim were home to enjoy all these activities that would most definetly be amazing. But, he should be home for fourth of July, Leeland turning 3 months, and lord willing Eddison's 2nd birthday.

Love to all my bloggers!

The Woes of Momma-hood

Life sucks, it is hard. Depression sucks. It is simply the one thing in my life that I don't know how to explain. I don't know how to tell people, "hey I have depression... really, really bad depression."

^ started that blog about 3 weeks ago. I never finished. So, now I will explain. I did, I had depression... still sorta do but not to the degree it was then. I was not myself and I was afraid to admit defeat. Now as I read those lines I don't care who knows. Depression can affect anyone, at any time, with no warning. Those who say they understand or know what it is like and have never truly had depression don't really know or understand. Every person deals with depression differently. Mine just happened to have postpartum written in front of it.

Because we as mom's feel the need to be super mom, or allow others "opinions" to rule what we do or say it is hard to admit we have it. I know I had Leeland and all I thought was, "Omg why do I feel this way?". I opened up, to the wrong people, and yes, it backfired... exactly the way I had the feeling it would. Yet, at the same time because of it I have helped a few other women with their "emotions." Women were coming to me telling me their stories, their concerns, and their success stories. It was honestly beautiful.

Ladies we aren't alone. Shoot even some men get this. It is hard to have a baby, it is hard to do it alone, it is hard to have absolutely no idea what you are doing and to feel like you can't say anything about it to anyone. I am here to tell you - don't tell everyone, tell those who love you, who truly care about you, and those who can help in the way you need. Once you do - you can heal. I can now look back on those dark times and know it was not me. It was some darkness that was taking over me and making me feel like a complete failure, making me hate me, and hate being a mother. I see myself now, and I know I was never any of those. I am a great mom, I have amazing children, and to those who don't think it... well f off.

No one mother is exactly like another. We may choose to not nurse, to nurse, to attempt to nurse then not, to co-sleep, to sleep alone, to sleep train, to baby wear or not. No matter what we choose to do it is fine, so long as it is in the best interest of our children.

My ppd stemmed from the fact I did not want to nurse, but because YOU HAVE TO NURSE is going around I felt as though I was being a bad mom, a failure, and well mean to my son if I didn't. WRONG!!!!!!!

The moment I dropped the day nursings I could feel myself lighten up, by the time I stopped nursing 100% I was me. I was happy. I was able to look at my baby with the love and connection you are supposed to have. Ladies, if it hurts, you hate it, or you just can't supply the milk - stop. You are doing what is best for both you and baby. If someone says, "work through the pain" tell them to bite their own nipple for 20+ minutes and then give your baby that bottle! :)

I can say this because I did nurse my daughter. It was beautiful. I loved it. We grew a bond that will never be replaced. Leeland  - I didn't. He now smiles and coos, and looks at me when he eats. He and I are both better off for this change. I am over the worst of my ppd and he knows it.

I know I rambled, but in all sincerity. Follow your heart, pray (if you pray), and seek the help you need. There is no shame in admitting something is wrong. I know God had his hand in all of these events, and he was leading me to the path I was supposed to be on. He was taking me away from the bad, and through this trial I found the light. Love all you amazing momma's and daddy's.

Honesty

My two tiny reasons for honesty.

I now have a one month old, and a 20 month old. Why, why did everyone I know LIE TO ME?

Being a mother is hard, like scream at the top of your lungs, throw things across rooms, and then cry in the shower hard. No one tells you that there are days you will be so ashamed of the things you thought, did, or said while in the presence of your children. They tell you how much love you have, how much you will enjoy watching them grow... but no one tells you the honest truth of being a mother, a parent, a guardian, a provider of little people is actually hard.

I will give you a little insight as to how my day went.... Woke up to my "potty trained" daughter who wet the bed (hadn't done that in a week), my son crying to eat.... Normal. But, then my daughter tells me she wants to eat, but not what I make her... we have a play date... my daughter YELLS at the little boy to stop. Stop what I do not know... then once they leave she pees in her little cozy coupe, then tells me, "Uh oh, pee pee." So we clean it up, she says she wants to eat... I make her lunch she tells me NO, then throws it down to the floor, then she says pee pee, we go to the potty... nothing. Two seconds later she pees on the floor and then poops. I say do not sit down, she does. (Now remember I have a one month old who is eating during this episode and I have to lay him down to wipe her poop and then clean her) She then screams because she is dirty and wet, and then won't listen as I tell her to stay still. I now have a sh*t on kid screaming and crying, an infant on the floor crying in hunger and my nerves shot to hell.

What does a Momma do at 11:40 am? Oh, she throws the literal sh*t pants across the room while cursing at the top of her lungs. Classy I know. But, I said I was going to be honest. I was already done with the day. Then my sweet child goes to sleep. Then my infant falls asleep. I then vent to my husband for a half hour while he sits probably thinking chill lady.

I love this life.

Fast forward to about 45 minutes later, both awake, screaming, my daughter peeing on the floor after refusing to sit on the toilet because, "It dirty." Then Mommy's nerves being shot again, then storms, then well my having a complete meltdown by 6pm. I then attempt to get my daughter to sleep at 7:30, she doesn't go down easy. All I want is a shower, so guess what I take one, my son in the bassinet in the bathroom, and my non-sleeping angel standing by it saying, "Momma wet" I finish and both are now screaming again and I cry.

They finally go to sleep... I grab a drink (water) and sit and stare out the window and think wow, a chill pill is needed, and then apologize to my daughter for my behavior, and guess what baby boy wakes yet again. So, here starts my night of up/down.

Secret is - I love them. I love this blessed little life of mine. Granted I want/need a break (to potty alone), but it is so completely worth it. My daughter wipes my tears, she hugs me, she is amazing. My son is growing, and he is absolutely perfect. I am the mother to two amazing children, I have the good life. I know I may want to run away at times, but if I didn't have them in my day, I would be 100% lost. I thank God for my tiny miracles, and I thank God for my life.

So honestly, yes it is HARD, it is absolutely the most trying job, and it will break you into a thousand pieces. It is also the most rewarding job I have ever had. So, Mommy's let's take a moment and scream, cry, yell, and then smile. We are blessed.

Welcome Leeland Lars

You finally arrived!!!
Welcome Leeland Lars!!!!

APRIL 6TH, 2015 @ 1:59 PM
9 LBS 2 OZ
21 1/4"

My contractions started at 11:27pm and I thought, "Here we go again..." You kept me on my toes for two weeks with contractions starting and stopping that I did not want to tell anyone. Finally, at 1:30 I told your Daddy - Today is the day we have a baby boy; then by 2:45am I finally decided to tell our midwife, Kim Retherford, that the contractions were getting stronger and stronger. She was on her way to deliver you. Family was next to know and your Meme showed up by 4am and was ready to help me in any way possible.

The contractions seemed to keep up, but when Kim showed I felt as though we were going to do yet another dry run. Then your Papa showed up to take Eddison to play, and when he did they really slowed, but then picked back up again. Eddison stayed asleep until 9am and the contractions were hitting harder. By 9:30, Eddi and Papa were out the door and the contractions were mere minutes apart and strong. I was afraid I would have you in the kitchen.

We moved into the master bedroom and I got into the water. It felt so good, but I didn't think anything was progressing. Your Uncle Jack showed up, and then your Great Nana, and Aunt Katie. I decided to try to get on a birthing chair to see if anything would happen, honestly thought about giving up completely because it seemed as though this was yet another false labor and you were never coming. Then we decided to get checked and I was only at a 9. I wanted to push so badly, but nothing.... Then I attempted the all 4's and Kim popped my water. Still I only wanted to push. I finally said out loud... "Why am I only at a 9?" Everyone said - you can push you are at a 10. My response was - "WELL CRAP!" So we attempted some pushes and it hurt so back in the water I went, with your Daddy.

 By this time the only thing I kept thinking was where is Micah. I needed her there. I was pushing but I think it wasn't actively pushing because I wanted her there as well. She walked in and grabbed my hand and said, "Come on Rina!" and I went for it. I was so ready to meet you. I remember Kim telling Katie to get the camera because you can see a head... I looked into the mirror. Word of advice - don't. However, it did keep me going; that and the burning and omg, ouch that I was feeling.

I thought okay, two more good ones and you are here. However, Kim said, "Get up, stand up now." I did and she told me to push and then it was as though a fish were coming out, and she tells me to sit so I can hold my baby boy. I thought nothing of it other then how fast it was. I was a momma again to a beautiful baby boy. I was overwhelmed and thought Eddison needs to be here now. Then it was the afterbirth... I got out of the water and we waited for the cord to stop throbbing, cut the cord, and I went to the toilet. I sat down and I WAS DONE BEING PREGNANT. I was able to be a momma. Give me Leeland to nurse and cuddle asap.

Later, I found out that his cord had come out first, that his shoulder was caught, and that the stand up moment was actually because Kim had to pull him out because he was turning "black" as my sisters and mom said. I had no idea and I thank God that everyone was able to remain calm during a could be disaster. I thank God for allowing my midwife, Kim, to get Leeland out safely and I thank God for answering the prayers of everyone who was praying. There are times when I feel as though I have no way for God to hear me, or that he is even there. Then I hear of these miracles, that are in my life, and I think how wrong I was.


I have not only one miracle baby, but two. God was in control during both births, he was there guiding the hands of those in the room, he was there helping me keep my spirits, my strength, and my faith, he is always with me. He carried everyone in the room and allowed them to not panic, but to give me courage and strength. My God is an awesome God and I shall forever be thankful for his great mercies on my sweet family.

So welcome Leeland into the Jacobson Family!

There are more photos to post, and more to the story (funny bits) but I figure this is the best part of the miracle of life. I am so blessed for what God has done for me. I am so thankful for Katie helping, taking photos, for my mom who held my hand and prayed, and gave me strength, for Micah,,, who came exactly when I needed her, for my Nana... God knows I needed my Nana, and for Kim.... my angel here on Earth who has safely delivered my babies. And as always to the men... Jack and Dad who were there waiting, and watching Eddison. Last but not least... My husband. Timothy... wow. You truly are my rock, you got in the water when you didn't want to, you held my hands, you let me claw your legs, and you were there for me the whole time. I love you to the moon and back.

40 Weeks.....Due Date Has Arrived....

You have not! I wonder if it is really that cozy in my belly. You show signs of wanting to come out then they stop EVERY day and it is really hard to sit back and think don't call or tell anyone. What happens when you really are coming and then bam... I didn't call because I thought it was another false alarm. Either way we are all waiting for you and God to determine your birthday. By all I mean everyone. Your aunts, uncles, sister, mom, dad, and grandparents.... all of us are waiting to get that amazing news of YOU ARE HERE. I love you little man.

This was 39 weeks and 6 days 

How far long are you? 40 Weeks 
Total weight gain/loss: 27.6 lbs (142 to 169.6)
Maternity clothes? This week has been dresses every day! Mainly because it covers and I don't feel as massive. 
Stretch marks? The top of my belly has gained some shiners this week...
Sleep: If I were able to get rid of my sinus headache that seems to show at around 9pm every night. It is awful and doesn't allow me to sleep until almost 3 am. 
Best moment this week: Knowing that very soon you will be here. We got the blanket from Ms. Jenn Zubov and I cried. It made it all seem real. 
Have you told family and friends: Everyone knows 
Miss Anything? My ability to see anything below my belly. If Eddison goes by my legs I can not see her. 
Movement: YOU ARE STRONG - so come on out!
Food cravings: Nothing really this week. I drink a lot of hot tea with honey...
Anything making you queasy or sick: I can finally say NO!
Have you started to show yet: Yep... huge, low! 
Gender prediction: You are a BOY
Labor Signs: Every day... the last two days have been so strong they have stopped me in my tracks. I even had to tell Eddison to stop moving because I couldn't get her. :)
Belly Button in or out? Out - and pointing to the floor.
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Very emotional due to the fact you are DUE TODAY and aren't here yet.
Looking forward to: Having you in my arms and healthy!

Emotional Toil

We still don't have a little boy in our arms, and let me tell you it is so hard when from early on you were told you were going to have him early, that you measure 2-3 weeks ahead, that since you had your first early; he would come early. Apparently my child wants to tell everyone no.

Every day that passes is so hard. I think to myself today. Today we will hold sweet little man in our arms. Then it turns to night and another sunrise starts. I don't want to rush him. I want him to come when he is ready. It is so hard to carry him in my belly though. I have this massive pressure and weight that I am carrying and some days I don't feel like moving. The one thing keeping me going, in all honesty, is the simple fact Eddison got sick, I am sorta sick (sore throat) and had he come 2 weeks ago we would be dealing with the possibility of him being sick as well.

The thing that stresses me out and causes me to cry is the fact Tim is to leave on April 12-14th and if he doesn't come in 3 days we may not even have ten days with Daddy. It makes me cry typing that. How is it fair to Tim, to baby boy, to Eddison, to me? Why can't we have him home with us to enough the family of four. Everyone says enjoy the last moments of a family of three. I want to, but I want Tim to enjoy the family of four before he leaves for a month. The days are getting closer and closer to the dreaded day and I panic. I simply can't express the emotion that I feel when I think about it.

I know many women have had babies without their husbands - kudos to you. I honestly feel you are one of the bravest women in the world, I know women whose husbands leave the day after... I feel for you. I know the emotion. The heartache, the fear, the pure ugh you feel knowing you are to do it alone for a while. I know I am a strong woman, but Lord I am not this strong. I don't have the strength to be a momma of two without him. He is my rock and my safe place and keeps me grounded. I need him. When he leaves the house and Eddison can't find him her face is my emotion and I want to cry with her, but I have to be strong and just say he will be home soon. I am not sure I will be so strong with two little sets of eyes looking at me asking where is Daddy.

Lately I have been so mean and it's my way of preparing myself for him leaving, when in reality I want so badly to hold him close, to never let go, and to simply be with him. Yet, when I do that the moment he walks out the door with that bag I lose it. I simply lose everything in me and fall to the floor in tears. I truly pray he knows what he means to me, to Eddison, and to this sweet baby growing inside me. I pray he knows he is our rock. God gave me a good one and I am truly blessed to have him as my husband, the father to our children, and as my best friend.