The Woes of Momma-hood

Life sucks, it is hard. Depression sucks. It is simply the one thing in my life that I don't know how to explain. I don't know how to tell people, "hey I have depression... really, really bad depression."

^ started that blog about 3 weeks ago. I never finished. So, now I will explain. I did, I had depression... still sorta do but not to the degree it was then. I was not myself and I was afraid to admit defeat. Now as I read those lines I don't care who knows. Depression can affect anyone, at any time, with no warning. Those who say they understand or know what it is like and have never truly had depression don't really know or understand. Every person deals with depression differently. Mine just happened to have postpartum written in front of it.

Because we as mom's feel the need to be super mom, or allow others "opinions" to rule what we do or say it is hard to admit we have it. I know I had Leeland and all I thought was, "Omg why do I feel this way?". I opened up, to the wrong people, and yes, it backfired... exactly the way I had the feeling it would. Yet, at the same time because of it I have helped a few other women with their "emotions." Women were coming to me telling me their stories, their concerns, and their success stories. It was honestly beautiful.

Ladies we aren't alone. Shoot even some men get this. It is hard to have a baby, it is hard to do it alone, it is hard to have absolutely no idea what you are doing and to feel like you can't say anything about it to anyone. I am here to tell you - don't tell everyone, tell those who love you, who truly care about you, and those who can help in the way you need. Once you do - you can heal. I can now look back on those dark times and know it was not me. It was some darkness that was taking over me and making me feel like a complete failure, making me hate me, and hate being a mother. I see myself now, and I know I was never any of those. I am a great mom, I have amazing children, and to those who don't think it... well f off.

No one mother is exactly like another. We may choose to not nurse, to nurse, to attempt to nurse then not, to co-sleep, to sleep alone, to sleep train, to baby wear or not. No matter what we choose to do it is fine, so long as it is in the best interest of our children.

My ppd stemmed from the fact I did not want to nurse, but because YOU HAVE TO NURSE is going around I felt as though I was being a bad mom, a failure, and well mean to my son if I didn't. WRONG!!!!!!!

The moment I dropped the day nursings I could feel myself lighten up, by the time I stopped nursing 100% I was me. I was happy. I was able to look at my baby with the love and connection you are supposed to have. Ladies, if it hurts, you hate it, or you just can't supply the milk - stop. You are doing what is best for both you and baby. If someone says, "work through the pain" tell them to bite their own nipple for 20+ minutes and then give your baby that bottle! :)

I can say this because I did nurse my daughter. It was beautiful. I loved it. We grew a bond that will never be replaced. Leeland  - I didn't. He now smiles and coos, and looks at me when he eats. He and I are both better off for this change. I am over the worst of my ppd and he knows it.

I know I rambled, but in all sincerity. Follow your heart, pray (if you pray), and seek the help you need. There is no shame in admitting something is wrong. I know God had his hand in all of these events, and he was leading me to the path I was supposed to be on. He was taking me away from the bad, and through this trial I found the light. Love all you amazing momma's and daddy's.