Things That Don't Mix

So little man. You are still sitting with no name. We now have not one, not two, but FOUR options for your name. I pray nightly that God sends me the name and I can find peace in knowing it is the right one. It is strange how easy it was for Eddison's name yet for you we can't seem to agree. Maybe you will be that baby that doesn't have a name until after you are born. I don't know but I know the not having one is truly stressing your momma out.

I am dealing with signs of depression right now and I promise little man I am doing EVERYTHING I can to get out of this funk. The fact I can admit it makes me feel as though we are headed to the right direction. I can't pinpoint why or where the emotion is coming from but I do know I am not happy. Do not think I am unhappy about you or Eddison. I am simply unhappy.

My world is so upside down at the moment that I feel like I am grasping at thin air to stay afloat. I want to be happy again. Instead I am living in this constant fear of either losing you, Eddison, or Tim, that I will have some complication in labor, that I may hurt myself somehow, that I am doing the wrong thing for both you and Eddison, that I am failing at my marriage. It is truly depressing. Oh, the irony in that statement.

I promise to let go and let God. I promise to smile,and to let go of these emotions. I need to take a mental break and find out what the root of my problem is, to find out why I am unhappy, and then to find a way to get back to who/where I was a few months ago. I find myself crying at random occasions, blaming myself for random things, getting angry at the slightest thing, not sleeping, and either eating my emotions or starving myself because I feel guilty I only ate cookies. Let me tell you both this.... depression is real, it does hurt, and it is ugly. I do not like me right now. I am truly repulsed by the person I am at the moment. However, you and Eddison are my light. You two are what keeps me going. You two are the thing that allows me to wake up every morning and find some sense of being.

I don't know how many women suffer while pregnant, but if you are. I am praying for you. I wish you the best. I want you to be happy. This is not the time to feel this way, yet here we are staring into space praying that someone slap it out of us.

Here is that slap. Look at your belly. Feel you baby move. Know you are that child's mother and NO ONE can change that. You can defeat this evil. You can become a stronger, vibrant woman if only you allow yourself the ability to be it. (I am taking this advice as well)

I have less than 50 days and my little baby will be here. I will be that strong, vibrant woman for my son and for my daughter. I will show them that I can win. So can you.